I second all of the above.
We don't aim to offend (well, not really), but given that anyone who can read will figure out after about the third paragraph that the subject of the current story is, well, masturbation... My high school writing teacher made us practically memorize the 300 pages of sound, sage advice compromising John Gardner's "The Art of Fiction," most of which I have (thank god) since forgotten, but there was this one little maxim in there about how no matter what subject you are writing about, you should write it with such exactitude and honesty as would be appropriate for a reader on his/her death-bed to read. And personally, I think we'd give any deathbed-reader the sort of laughter which causes IVs to pop out of veins and overworked hearts to flatline --
In other words, cheers to all of you, this continues to be a blast, and if the cranks, curmudgeons and their sour tribe don't like it, they can go visit all the other, far inferior tandem-story-pages on the Web, there are quite a few of them, enough to go around, but for the most part, compared to this one, they downright suck.
time: Dec 15 14:31 (Pacific Time)
from: Lanark
host: 12.75.135.147
e-mail: ignavia@worldnet.att.nat
subject: lectures
MESSAGE:
Ok Kids,
enough proselytizing, already.
On with the show. It's Tickles time!
time: Dec 15 14:36 (Pacific Time)
from: Philip
host: 207.159.74.110
e-mail: fishie_pie@hotmail.com
MESSAGE:
In "In the Heart of the Heart of the Country," William Gass has a cat named Mr. Tick, who he once compares to "an electrical penis." Coincidence? I highli doubt it....
time: Dec 16 16:27 (Pacific Time)
from: cuddles
host: 208.254.225.10
e-mail: csrichards@earthlink.net
subject: Dental Hygiene and You
MESSAGE:
So remember kids, don't be a loser like Johnny, brush and floss after every meal!
time: Dec 17 09:16 (Pacific Time)
from: Father O'Nanism
host: 199.99.190.121
e-mail: fishie_pie@hotmail.com
subject: The Sins of the Flesh
MESSAGE:
yeah, if it weren't so early in the morning I'd be able to pin down this thought, something about mossy teeth and hairy palms... that'll be nine million Hail Marys and a week wearing the horsehair boxers, laddy-my-boy...
time: Dec 17 09:42 (Pacific Time)
from: lanark
host: 206.145.121.17
e-mail: ignavia@worldnet.att.net
subject: horse hair
MESSAGE:
(horse hair boxers? Isn't that how Equus got started?)
And let's also not forget the spiked cod piece cage device to discourage nocturnal emmisions.
time: Dec 18 12:41 (Pacific Time)
from: Philip
host: 199.99.190.117
e-mail: fishie_pie@hotmail.com
subject: Stevie, George & PeeWee
MESSAGE:
No, it's how syphilis got started...
And thanks to cuddles for sharing that hygenically prudent dental tip with us all. If only Lanark would take that sort of advice...
time: Dec 18 21:53 (Pacific Time)
from: cuddles
host: 208.254.229.247
e-mail: csrichards@earthlink.net
subject: Of Horsehair and Hygene (gee, that sounds like a title)
MESSAGE:
Well, you can lead a horse to water.....
time: Dec 18 21:55 (Pacific Time)
from: cuddles
host: 208.254.229.247
e-mail:
subject: PS
MESSAGE:
Carolyn, I wish you'd visit us more often.
time: Dec 21 10:45 (Pacific Time)
from: Philip
host: 199.99.190.117
MESSAGE:
uh, what happened? it appears we have been overrun by cretins...
time: Dec 22 13:09 (Pacific Time)
from: Lanark
host: 12.75.128.17
e-mail:
subject: cretins
MESSAGE:
I fear it may be worse than that. I think it's junior high school kids frothing with pubescent hormones and not nearly removed enough from their youthful fascination with Power Rangers and Mutant Turtles. So inevitably everything gets reduced to a simple never ending (and ultimately quite tedious) battle between good and evil. (sigh) So I guess from here on in it's bigger and badder weapons, rotten typing and more and more aliens mutants and robots.
time: Dec 23 17:12 (Pacific Time)
from: cuddles
host: 208.254.230.43
e-mail: csrichards@earthlink.net
subject: Holy Crap!
MESSAGE:
Lesson for today: Don't neglect Tandem Story for more than a day or it will take way too long to catch up on the back story when you return.
time: Dec 23 17:32 (Pacific Time)
from: cuddles
host: 208.255.72.141
e-mail:
subject: Holy Crap! Afterword
MESSAGE:
See what happens when they let them out of school for winter break?
time: Dec 23 20:13 (Pacific Time)
from: Lanark
host: 12.75.129.245
e-mail: ignavia@worldnet.att.net
subject: whilst my cassoulet burbles happily in the oven
MESSAGE:
Ah! At last a sensitive soul with typing skills.
It's nice to have you back again Cuddles.
time: Dec 28 09:55 (Pacific Time)
from: Anonymous
host: 209.86.134.56
subject: My complaint about Lanark
MESSAGE:
There is currently a lot of controversy about Lanark's expostulations and convolutions of the fictional screw, and I know that any posting on the subject will almost certainly cause someone to provide cover for a hate-filled agenda. Still, Lanark would have us believe that pretentious boors and priapic midgets should be given absolute authority to destroy all tradition, all morality, and the entire democratic system. With this posting, I hope to comment on a phenomenon that has and will continue to progressively narrow the sphere of human freedom. But first, I would like to make the following introductory remark: Lanark is deeply involved emotionally in his attack on truth and reality.
His words mean delays in getting things processed, errors in handling requests, inefficiency, and many more years of error from keeping an old system alive. So far, this letter has merely identified the ways in which the public perception is that there is much more of this to come. Now, let me shift gears and start telling you about how the similarities between him and feeble-minded insecure blockheads should not be taken lightly. For he bears the mark of that line of bastard sired by Onan in days of yore, and he works among us as a sign and symbol that the Last Times are indeed drawing nigh. (Rev. 6:4)
What if we collectively just told Lanark's followers, "Sure, go ahead and impose a particular curriculum, vision of history, and method of pedagogy on our school systems. Have fun!"? That would be worse than prolix; it would make nearby communities victims of environmental degradation, toxic waste dumping, child pornography and homicidal dwarves.
Here's an extraordinary paradox: All of the vengeful dopeheads who shouldn't be allowed to desecrate personal religious objects invariably want to. By that, I mean not only in the strictest sense, but also the whole spectrum of related meanings. It is my personal opinion, based on years of observation, that Lanark's jokes are a hotbed of revisionism.
In all fairness, only by taking risks and pushing boundaries with this letter can I get the facts out in the hope that somebody else will do something to solve the problem. It's fine to realize that I'm not saying anything you don't already know about, but it's more important to know that Lanark's allegations have gotten way out of hand. For one thing, Lanark never seems to listen to anyone else's positions and reasoning. But more important, if the layman's term "hypoendemic gastroenteroduodenoscopic stereophotogrammetry" occurs to the reader, he or she may recall that Lanark once tried to lower this country's moral tone and depreciate its commercial integrity. One last thing: The long-term consequences of Lanark's slurs are rarely examined, let alone subjected to scientific scrutiny.
I hope you will all consider these most important issues, and Lanark, if you read this, I beseech you, in the name of all that is good and decent in humankind, all those qualities by which the good Lord has seen fit to disinguish us from the beasts of the field, Lanark, I implore you, look into the light, Lanark, beware the dark side of the Force.
time: Dec 28 11:15 (Pacific Time)
from: Lanark
host: 206.145.121.17
e-mail:
subject: Phillip's unfounded accusations
MESSAGE:
Let it be known from this point onward that Phillip is in fact a big doo-doo head which no amount of verbosity can conceal.
If perhaps he spent as much time on his personal hygiene as he does in composing dubious attacks on my honor the world would become a much less odiforous place (at least in regards to those areas of the world which lie adjacent to young Phillip. Count yourself fortunate, Gentle Reader, not to be in one of those areas.)His mode of dress is humorous to behold and were his mien not so uncomely as to be one step above deformity, one could perhaps find humor in that as well, but instead it merely invokes pity.
His numerous and vociferous attacks on my character are in the end naught but the inane lashings of a misguided child who seeks to distract the attentions of his betters from his own nefarious schemes and foolish plots by arousing suspicions concerning more upright and morally conspicuous citizens.
But I have a thick skin and allow these insults to pass with my feathers unruffled, for I know that it in reality it's just Philip's liquor talking and feel assured that if the poor wretched fellow would take a moment to reassess his indigent life, he would return once more to the strict psychopharmecutical regime that he so recently abandoned and reconnect with the larger society in a more stable and productive way.
time: Dec 28 12:05 (Pacific Time)
from: Philip
host: 209.86.134.42
e-mail: fishie_pie@hotmail.com
subject: Lanark
MESSAGE:
Gee, we're sounding a wee bit defensive there, laddyboy -- did I touch a soft spot?
time: Dec 28 15:34 (Pacific Time)
from: Lanark
host: 206.145.121.17
e-mail:
subject: soft spots
MESSAGE:
Yes, as Officer Friendly explained in school in days of yore when men were men and sheep were frightened, there is such things as a good touch and a bad touch. Phillip, has touched me in a soft spot and we all know that that is bad.
Bad Phillip! Bad!
time: Dec 29 08:49 (Pacific Time)
from: Philip
host: 209.86.134.57
subject: Wha?
MESSAGE:
Lanark, I tell ya, the cumulative effects of all that crack you smoked in elementary school, they're startin' to show...Get help, my dear sir, before it's too late.
time: Dec 29 19:14 (Pacific Time)
from: Lanark
host: 12.75.132.105
subject: Crack?
MESSAGE:
Let me tell you, whippersnapper, that in my school days we didn't have your namby pamby fancy drugs like crack, we had good old wholesome drugs like black hash, horse, crank and opium. Crack, bah! Manys the day I can remember padding down to the basement in my Muppets PJ's to cook up a fresh batch of crystal meth with my Hasbro Little Scientist chmeistry set.
You youngster's today wouldn't know about that though. Got to have the rocks all done up for you.
time: Dec 30 10:13 (Pacific Time)
from: Philip, Ye Old Crank
host: 209.86.134.109
e-mail: fishie_pie@hotmail.com
subject: Crack, Snapple, Poop!
MESSAGE:
In my day we shot undiluted formaldehyde...now THAT was a ride, I'll tell you.
But enough of this talk of controlled substances, we're setting a bad example for the Youth of America and the World. Let's get back to the kinky, unprotected group sex and conflagratory, tragic violence by which we, their elders, may set a good Christian example for them.
time: Jan 4 14:01 (Pacific Time)
from: Mr. Tickles
host: 209.86.134.30
MESSAGE:
Happy New Year, ye wily tandem storyists...
time: Jan 4 17:10 (Pacific Time)
from: cuddles
host: 208.254.224.142
e-mail: csrichards@earthlink.net
subject: Randem Story
MESSAGE:
Is it just me or is this story spinning wildly out of control?
time: Jan 4 18:52 (Pacific Time)
from: Lanark
host: 12.75.130.203
subject: wild spins
MESSAGE:
perhaps dizzily so.
time: Jan 5 07:49 (Pacific Time)
from: Philip
host: 209.86.134.118
subject: wild spins
MESSAGE:
...I dunno, not really...
time: Jan 5 12:51 (Pacific Time)
from: Philip
host: 209.86.134.67
e-mail:
subject: wild spins
MESSAGE:
Or to put it another way, somewhere in California a certain Mr. Mel Brooks is biblically gnashing his (false) teeth, rending his garments, and pulling out his (courtesy Sy Sperling) hair, absolutely green with envy...
time: Jan 5 18:22 (Pacific Time)
from: cuddles
host: 208.254.224.143
e-mail: csrichards@earthlink.net
subject: the movie rights
MESSAGE:
Say, now that you mention it, I see quite a few possible screen adaptations in this here yarn. We could make a fortune!
time: Jan 6 08:41 (Pacific Time)
from: lanark
host: 12.75.133.202
subject: adapted screens
MESSAGE:
Ah, but alas Herve Villachez has passed into the Great Fantasy Island in the sky. I'm not sure justice could be done without him.
time: Jan 6 14:23 (Pacific Time)
from: Philip
host: 209.86.134.88
e-mail: fishie_pie@hotmail.com
subject: that great coconut-creme pie in the sky
MESSAGE:
An exercise in flawed logic:
1a. If heaven contains many mansions, it must have land.
1b. If it has land, it must have water (to set it apart as such; elsewise the land would be everything, and would not need to have been named 'land')
1c. If it has water, it must have islands (for what is any land, when separated by other lands by water, but an island)
2a. If heaven is as we were taught, then God is good.
2b. If God is good, then he is a good host.
2c. A good host provides for the needs of his guests.
If we accept that (A) Heaven contains many mansions and (B) Heaven is as we are taught, then it follows that (C) Heaven contains an island set aside for the subset (x) of former stars of island-based sitcoms (Fantasy Island, Gilligan's Island, Baa Baa Black Sheep, and various guest stars of certain of the Love Boat, to name but a few) who have made it to Heaven.
Therefore: Tattoo and Skipper are romping it up on the lawn while inside the house, Ricardo Montalban makes passionate love to Maryann on a bed of rick Corinthian leather. A transmission, originating at www.pangloss.com, regarding Gilligan, is received on the computer monitor in Ricardo's love-nest. He presses a red button set into the wall.
Question: What happens next?
Answer: Herve Villechaisse runs to the top of the parapet, clangs the bell, and shouts "de Brain, skeeper, de Brain!"
buh-dump-bump.